I'm stressed, I'm blessed

I wanna share my saddest moment of 2012..(so far)
I was blessed with a pregnancy but i lost the baby the same day i knew the news..
actually i lost the baby first then i knew i'm pregnant..
while typing this entry i couldn't help myself from crying..
try to redha but I couldn't help myself from remembering those moments
I wont go into detail..I wish I could erase those scary moment from my mind
Macamana kain baju kurung ku lencun dek darah..
macamana ketulan gumpalan darah membuak dari celah kangkang..
how panic and scared I was and yet I must be strong..
I went to KPJ Tawakal to see this Doc..
He confirmed I was pregnant and the same time I lost the baby
Bergetar badan ku menahan sebak..aku try senyum menandakan aku redha..
I really don't know how am I going to tell Mr Kumbang..
Nak pengsan pon ada..tapi aku kena kuat sebab Doc tu suruh aku balik and discuss with husband..
suh datang esok utk D&C
WTH?Aku yang dah confirm berlumuran darah ni di suruh balik lagi
He kept on saying in government hospital is a lot cheaper..
Adoi, aku stress..
Di saat tu aku pikir, that's the different between private and government hospital
There's no humanity in private, money only..
Maybe dia ingat aku tak mampu bayar kot..
In government hospital they accept you whoever you are,
No offense to anyone out there..
It's just a personal thought from an emotional mother-who-just-lost-her-baby..
Maybe he just did whatever the procedure from the hospital..
He asked me to come again tomorrow at 8.30 am
but I swear I wont meet him again..anyway thank u doc..U did help me though :)
I forced myself to walk to the parking lot..
Kak Ainul, the one who had been with me from the moment I had my 'tumpah darah'
supported me a lot..
Thank u, sister..I owe u so much.. Only Allah can pay your kindness..
On our way to send me back home suddenly I had this stomach pain..
At last I tried to give a call to my dearest gynea, Dr Marsita Mansor.
Oh, actually I want to meet her at first place but I called the clinic and she had 29 patients were waiting for her..
that was why I decided to go to the hospital..
Ok, back to the story..I was so happy when I heard Dr Marsita's voice over the phone.
I thanked her for picking up the phone by knowing how busy she was at the moment.
I told her my condition and she shouted," Wani, you come here NOW!"
Here was the kemuncak in my story,
When I stepped into her clinic, the blood was getting heavier. rasa macam dalam movie pon ade
I couldn't walk since darah turun macam hujan.
I could see everybody's were panic as I am and sympathy too, I guess..
I met her and she confirmed my pregnancy was 6 weeks *cry again*
She was so surprised when I told her I went to the hospital earlier but was told to go back home in my condition.
I had to go thru a process called Dilation & Curettage (D&C)
I have 2 injections, one is a painkiller and another one is anesthetic  (actually I really don't know the term, U may refer to expert for this)
Less than 5 minutes I passed out.
When I woke up, I heard Hadiff was callling me happily..
"Mama, Hadiff nak teet! (mama, hadiff nak susu mama).
Eventhough I felt so weak (maybe because the amount of blood that I have lost) I tried to feed Hadiff.
I realized I lost my baby but I thank Allah, I had one..
Seriously, when I heard Hadiff called me, it was like a wake up call for me..
Don't be sad, mama.. U still have me..
Yes, Hadiff, you are my pride and joy!

notakaki : please make du'a to me..hope I'm getting better and stronger..